I woke this morning feeling poignant. Today is the first time I felt pessimistically different because I am a Poz.
I met S last Saturday at a friend’s house warming party.
He is very sociable. He introduced himself. The moment I held his firm handshake, I knew he is my type. He has a firm grip. He’s ideally tall, have a good build, smart, friendly and have a really nice smile (I am a sucker for guys with nice smile). He has soft lips and kiss really well. And to top it all, our birthdays are three days apart and our animal signs are compatible.
We chatted the entire evening. We talked pretty much about work, likes and dislikes, relationships and life issues. And I can’t remember how many times he asked me why I’ve been single for so long.
I told him I like him and he said he like me too.
But I was too guarded that evening. Aside from being single and Poz for a few years now, I don’t want to take advantage of someone who just got out of a relationship. Yes, S broke up with his partner (who cheated on him) a week ago.
That night was also the first time I felt apprehensive telling someone my HIV status. But I promised my self I will tell S about it the first chance I get.
Anyway, S and I met the next day. He was out to shop and have a haircut.
I really want to see him again so despite being wasted from the previous night, I asked him if he want to meet. He said yes.
My heart never felt so excited in years.
I arrived around 5pm and we spent the rest of the day together. We strolled and chatted.
(Darn! I am never good with narrating stories. I really wish I can properly compose and narrate everything that happened in details)
Anyway, we met up with his friend later that evening.
I have to be in Malate by midnight to help friends with their HIV rapid testing activity. I wanted to stay longer with S so I decided to invite them. It was a coincidence because S was convincing his best friend to get tested. So they agreed to go with me.
I felt anxious because I know S is a smart guy and I am sure he will figure out that I am a Poz even before I tell him. Well… I’ve been insinuating about my status anyway and I am deliberately evading his questions whenever he asks about my HIV status. He was asking about it since I told him that I am into the HIV/ AIDS advocacy.
Another thing that adds up to my anxiety is that, I like S so much that I am afraid that he will stop seeing me if I tell him my status.
Since S just got a haircut, he needed to shower. The three of us went to his place.
He shared his break up story on our way to is place. I felt for S. I know how it feels to get cheated on. And I felt sorry for his ex boyfriend for being stupid and not seeing how special S is.
We arrived at Malate a few minutes before midnight. We all got tested.
S was curious about my result. He asked several times and I evaded the inquiry the same number of times he asked. I felt he already knew and just needed to confirm. I also felt stupid for lying the first time he asked me. I told him I haven’t gotten my self tested yet. It was such a lame answer. I am never a good liar.
I can’t remember exactly how I started telling him the truth. The only clear thing I remember is his sweet smile, his firm chest and his sincere hug. I wanted to cry but felt that I need to look ok. Deep inside I wasn’t, because I see in his face and I feel his aura that he is not ready for me, well not me per se but my status. My thoughts were reinforced when I asked him if he still want to date a Poz guy.
Call it corny, call me mushy but I felt crushed. But there’s no where is to go but forward. I just have to accept my reality.
I remembered what my ex boy friend told me when I came out to him. He said that he used to date a Poz guy. And that sometimes he feels more comfortable dating Poz guys since they are sure of their HIV status compared to those guys who have not gotten tested and claim that they are negative. And with this he knows how to protect himself and the other person when the time come they need to physically share their emotions. I hope people realize the truth in this thinking.
S and I still keep in touch, but I don’t know until when. Nonetheless I am still hopeful for the best.
A a very good friend told me...I shouldn't expect someone to be so open and welcoming about a very sensitive issue. Only time will tell if his sentiments will unfold in a most agreeable form.
I still believe in true love. I still believe in long term (even life-time) relationships. I still believe that all people are naturally good and I still believe that there’s that “one” special person for me…
Right now I am hoping it’s S.