It’s a holiday coz it’s my birthday today!

I just turned 34 today.

I am so thankful for everything that came to pass the previous year. All the blessings I recieved, all the friendship I've made. all the learning I acquired that helped improved my life in general.

I wish for stronger family ties and long lasting friendships.

I wish for wisdom that I may be able to be prudent and tact with all my dealings in life.

I wish for courage and perseverance so that I will be able to face, head high, all the challenges bestowed upon me.

I wish for patience and humility so that I will be able to appreciate others and live by example.

Lastly, I wish for better health that I may be able to do more things to make this world a better place to live in.

It’s a holiday coz it’s my birthday today!

Another one of those dreams

http://napwa.org.au/files/images/2009_3_sleep.preview.jpg

After my escapade in Malate last night, I was so exhausted and went to bed without taking a shower.

I had another one of those dreams. I am a believer of dreams. I know when I am dreaming and i can usually control my dreams. But this sort of dreams come to me when I least expect them and strangely, even if i am conscious that I am dreaming, I tend to be passive in dreams such as this. I think it's because I am aware that this sort of dream is telling me something and I am just letting it unfold to see the conclusion and the revelation it's giving me.

I don’t remember the details of my dream but I clearly remember the presence of a big dying dog, a murky river and a coffin. Sounds morbid? Doesn't seem like it when you read the interpretations below.

In my dream, the river was going up with its chocolate brown water. I saw a really, really big dog lying on the shore and was getting washed away by the rising water. Then on the river I saw a casket. There was a man sitting inside the casket and he was asking for help. I tried pulling him out but the water was too high and I couldn’t reach him with my stretched arm.

I am not sure what this dream should mean but I sense its relevance.

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To see a dog in your dream, symbolizes intuition, loyalty, generosity, protection, and fidelity. The dream suggests that your strong values and good intentions will enable you to go forward in the world and bring you success. Alternatively, it indicates a skill that you have ignored or forgotten.

If the dog is dead or dying, then it indicates a loss of a good friend. Alternatively, it represents a deterioration of your instincts. Also consider common notions associated with the word dog, such as loyalty ("man's best friend") and to be "treated like a dog".

To see a raging river, signifies that your life is feeling out of control. If the river is muddy, then it indicates turmoil, tumultuous times and jealousy in your life.

To see a coffin in your dream, symbolizes the womb. It also signifies your thoughts and fears of death. Alternatively, the coffin represents ideas and habits that you are no longer of use and can be buried.

To see a body in a coffin, signifies that you are going through a period of depression. You may feel confined, restricted and that you are lacking personal freedom. There may be a dead or decaying situation or issue in your life that needs to be addressed. It is time to end this situation or relationship.

[Source: http://www.dreammoods.com/]

This is one of the reasons why I don't like dating

http://www.howtogetyourgirlback.org/wp-content/howtogetyourgirlback_files/break%20up%20pain.jpg

I woke this morning feeling poignant. Today is the first time I felt pessimistically different because I am a Poz.

I met S last Saturday at a friend’s house warming party.

He is very sociable. He introduced himself. The moment I held his firm handshake, I knew he is my type. He has a firm grip. He’s ideally tall, have a good build, smart, friendly and have a really nice smile (I am a sucker for guys with nice smile). He has soft lips and kiss really well. And to top it all, our birthdays are three days apart and our animal signs are compatible.

We chatted the entire evening. We talked pretty much about work, likes and dislikes, relationships and life issues. And I can’t remember how many times he asked me why I’ve been single for so long.

I told him I like him and he said he like me too.

But I was too guarded that evening. Aside from being single and Poz for a few years now, I don’t want to take advantage of someone who just got out of a relationship. Yes, S broke up with his partner (who cheated on him) a week ago.

That night was also the first time I felt apprehensive telling someone my HIV status. But I promised my self I will tell S about it the first chance I get.

Anyway, S and I met the next day. He was out to shop and have a haircut.

I really want to see him again so despite being wasted from the previous night, I asked him if he want to meet. He said yes.

My heart never felt so excited in years.

I arrived around 5pm and we spent the rest of the day together. We strolled and chatted.

(Darn! I am never good with narrating stories. I really wish I can properly compose and narrate everything that happened in details)

Anyway, we met up with his friend later that evening.

I have to be in Malate by midnight to help friends with their HIV rapid testing activity. I wanted to stay longer with S so I decided to invite them. It was a coincidence because S was convincing his best friend to get tested. So they agreed to go with me.

I felt anxious because I know S is a smart guy and I am sure he will figure out that I am a Poz even before I tell him. Well… I’ve been insinuating about my status anyway and I am deliberately evading his questions whenever he asks about my HIV status. He was asking about it since I told him that I am into the HIV/ AIDS advocacy.

Another thing that adds up to my anxiety is that, I like S so much that I am afraid that he will stop seeing me if I tell him my status.

Since S just got a haircut, he needed to shower. The three of us went to his place.

He shared his break up story on our way to is place. I felt for S. I know how it feels to get cheated on. And I felt sorry for his ex boyfriend for being stupid and not seeing how special S is.

We arrived at Malate a few minutes before midnight. We all got tested.

S was curious about my result. He asked several times and I evaded the inquiry the same number of times he asked. I felt he already knew and just needed to confirm. I also felt stupid for lying the first time he asked me. I told him I haven’t gotten my self tested yet. It was such a lame answer. I am never a good liar.

I can’t remember exactly how I started telling him the truth. The only clear thing I remember is his sweet smile, his firm chest and his sincere hug. I wanted to cry but felt that I need to look ok. Deep inside I wasn’t, because I see in his face and I feel his aura that he is not ready for me, well not me per se but my status. My thoughts were reinforced when I asked him if he still want to date a Poz guy.

Call it corny, call me mushy but I felt crushed. But there’s no where is to go but forward. I just have to accept my reality.

I remembered what my ex boy friend told me when I came out to him. He said that he used to date a Poz guy. And that sometimes he feels more comfortable dating Poz guys since they are sure of their HIV status compared to those guys who have not gotten tested and claim that they are negative. And with this he knows how to protect himself and the other person when the time come they need to physically share their emotions. I hope people realize the truth in this thinking.

S and I still keep in touch, but I don’t know until when. Nonetheless I am still hopeful for the best.

A a very good friend told me...I shouldn't expect someone to be so open and welcoming about a very sensitive issue. Only time will tell if his sentiments will unfold in a most agreeable form.

I still believe in true love. I still believe in long term (even life-time) relationships. I still believe that all people are naturally good and I still believe that there’s that “one” special person for me…

Right now I am hoping it’s S.

I lost my mobile phone today

[image source:

http://www.telecombeacon.com/techbuzz/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/lost_cell_phone.jpg

I lost my phone in the gym today. Well… I didn’t really lose it since I know exactly where I last placed it. It was stolen, I should say.

I didn’t extremely feel sad since it’s just a phone but it’s just unfortunate that I had to lose it now that I don’t have enough money to buy a new phone. Additionally, I lost all of my contacts… most of which are friends, family and professional contacts. Sigh.

My birthday is coming (26th of November) and it's just swell that I had to lose my unit. I've been using that phone for a couple of years now and it's so efficient. It hasn't turned me down... not even once. Oh well, another time to move on.

So, if you’re one of my contacts, Please send me a message with your name and mobile (contact) number.

P.S.

Who would be generous enough to give me a phone for my birthday? I won’t mind if it’s a second hand unit :-D

“Elmo Loves You”

I did this drawings during my training class. I drew the image copying it from an image I found online.

We were made to listen to a lot of tutorial and lectures... I needed to keep my brain awake and attentive. This is what I ended up with.

Always remember, Elmo loves you… and I do too.