Thursday, March 19, 2009

Coming out 1: All in a Day’s Work

I spent the most of the day yesterday in front of my laptop updating the company website and over the phone harassing the IT guy who is maintaining our website. I had a few visitors throughout the day including my female boss who gave instructions on how to be more organized with stuff inside the office and in an over acting manner commented how surprised she was to realize that the image flashed on my laptop screen is not a photograph but, in real life, a charcoal drawing. I was also visited by the accountant whom I had to turn over some acknowledgment receipts for checks I released over the weekend and the petty cash reimbursement that’s a week over due. Other than that, everything was normal.

Me and dear project manager/ assistant, S, decided to go stay at the bench just outside the building and chat over a stick of Marlboro blue. We chatted how busy we both were the entire day and laughed about the funny situations we encountered during the day and at how amusing some clients and contemporaries were. Then I remembered there is still wine left chilled inside the fridge so I asked her if she wanted to have wine while chatting. Instantaneously, she said yes with a grin on her face.

Wine is indeed good for the body. Red skinned grapes turned to wine have Anti-aging effects. You get improved lung function from antioxidants in white wine. Wine is good for the heart, blood circulation, prevention of cancer development and a whole lot more. I think wines are magical, just make sure to drink moderately.

I have not finished my first glass and I am feeling warm and relaxed. So relaxed that me and S started sharing secrets. She shared this thing going on between her and one of our friends. Then it was my turn. The first thing that came to my head was coming out to her… I was initially having second thought but the sweet girl sitting in front of me earned my trust that I would like to share to her one of the most intimate secret I am keeping.

I saw the surprised look on her face when I told her about my health condition. But she’s cool. As expected, she had questions she needed to ask to erase her self-admitted ignorance about HIV. I told her how I got it; how I told my family and friends, about my ARV and the loving people I met in the process. I answered each and every single question she gave me with a smile and a tone of joy that everything is going to be alright.

I felt happy that I was able to clear another soul’s fear of the “used-to-be-a-dreadful” disease called HIV. Then I realized that, that’s the real satisfaction of coming out. It’s giving another person the realization that there’s more love and joy in the world that most people think. That’s what I thought because S told me that she would not know until I told her, because I am such a happy, healthy looking guy. She wished she is as strong and loving as I am. I gave her a reassuring smile. And we were laughing, chatting and drinking wine like nothing is so much of a big deal.

It’s really nice to spend quality time with people you appreciate, have a good laugh while drinking wine with a friend after an exhausting day at work. We bid farewell and she kissed me in the cheeks and whispered that my secret is safe with her, and I thought at least, that is the case, until I am ready to come out.

Well, all in a day’s work.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Changes 1

The circumstances of the world are so variable that an irrevocable purpose or opinion is almost synonymous with a foolish one. ~William H. Seward

Change. Google define change as: “an event that occurs when something passes from one state or phase to another” and “become different in some particular way, without permanently losing one's or its former characteristics or essence.

I had experience a lot of changes in my life. I’ve seen people go through different form or changes… one thing I can say is… I like changes. Fort his reason, I am thinking of posting a list of changes that accrued to me on an annual, monthly or weekly basis.

So far here are the changes that happened to me from last year (2008) to present. Well at least these are the stuff that I could remember.

• I was diagnosed to be HIV positive.
• I turned down a lucrative offer to work as an Executive Secretary in the middle east.

MARCH 2008
• I filed an indefinite leave from work.
• I went to China to getaway with my HIV issues but eventually returned home to start my medication.

APRIL 2008
• I found out my first CD4 count of 250
• I started ted on ARV
• I started eating healthy
• I began to quit smoking and cut down on alcohol
• I had a drug reaction with Nevirapine and I had to switched to Efavirenz
• I experience depression due to not being able to work because I need to recuperate from having a drug reaction.
• I told my family that I am HIV positive.
• I made friends with HIV Positive people abroad via the internet.

MAY 2008
• I started to have regular liver and kidney activity test, blood test and regular Hospital visits.

JULY 2008
• I was called by my previous company to reapply as a Supervisor

• My second CD4 count went up to 641
• My Efavirenz dose was cut down to one a day.
• I transferred from PGH to RITM.
• I started to gain HIV Positive friends

• I had the chance to do an Art Demonstration to PGH’s Ward 5.
• I told Eddy that I am HIV positive. He said he still loves me just the same and he do not care if I am positive.


• MY first Christmas as an HIV positive.

• I had a major career change.

• After about three years of being single, I had a boyfriend.

MARCH 2009
• My third CD4 count turned out to be 467.
• I am starting to worry that I might have lower CD4 count due to sleeping late and missing to take my meds on time.
• After almost three years of not having sex, I took the plunge and did “it” with one fucking lucky guy. The crazy thing is, this guy is not my BF.
• My preference about dating changed. I now like dating.

To be continued…

Monday, March 16, 2009

Untitled 1

From my past, I never liked dating for the grounds that I think it’s a waste of my time, energy and money. I am a straight forward kind of guy… If I like you, I like you. If you like me then god… if not I am cool. But for some reason, I started going out with guys this year. Let me tell you about some of them...

I met Jeremy back in the University. The first time we met, we spent about 4 hours chatting inside my van… we’ve talked pretty much about everything. The second time we met was at the mall but I got irritated with him because he keeps pointing to the cute guys passing by. It made me feel insecure since I already like him but I did not say. I was feeling something for Jeremy but still did not say anything. The third time we met, I had to be extremely stubborn so he’d say yes to meet me. I parked in a little pass his work place and we talked in the car.

In a span of about three years, we only met thrice and on the third meeting, I mustered all my confidence to tell him what I feel for him. Unfortunately, he just got back with his boyfriend and thought he did not want to ruin his second chance. He told me that that would be our last meeting and that I should not call or text him again.

Samboy. He is the one I consider as the person who pushed my love button. He is adorable, attractive, appealing person I’ve ever met. He is smart, eloquent and cute. He is just adorable in every sense. I liked his humour, I love his ideas, I love dinning with him, I love holding his hands, I love it when we kiss. I just love him, period. But there’s a draw back, Samboy was dating another guy. The guy came before me, which means I am a late comer. I knew from a friend that Dave like this other guy. I felt I was just a diversion but I still took my chance. We had a mutual understanding but it’s not enough to for me to win his heart.

Samboy and I ended up as very good friends. We still say we miss each other, whenever we get the chance we say I love you to each other… but it’s in the context of friendship and that’s just about it. I still have this special feeling I am hanging on in case Dave decided to pursue me. I will drop everything if that time comes. But I know that’s just wishful thinking.

One of the sweetest guys I encountered is Jonathan. The first time we met, I wanted to kiss him for being so adorable. But he just uttered the phrase “not yet.” Most people whom I consider a good judge of my personality did not approve my attraction with Jon. But there is just something about him that is different from the other guys I’ve met. He has this bratty attitude that I liked. I visited him so often to the point that I am practically living with him. We’ve been going out for a while and every time we do, I ask him when it’s going to be us. He kept giving me the answer “not yet.” Eventually, I realized why it’s not yet the time to be us… It was because he wanted me to meet all of his closest friends first and he needs to get their approval if I am good for him. It was pretty juvenile but I liked it just the same. I think this is because I get plus points every time I am introduced to a friend.

I was introduced to every single one of them in separate occasions and got a yes vote from all of them. I was so excited because I thought it’s going to be us since I passed the meeting-the-friends- test. But one night, Jon was not his usual self. He was giving me the cold shoulder and did not sleep beside me one evening. When I asked, he did not give me an answer, and that made me really frustrated. I decided to leave and just stay low for a while, until I did not want to see him anymore.

Drive is a really cool guy. Physically speaking, he is my type. Bald, tan and express a brute appeal. I thought our first meeting was pretty romantic. We were driving around and could not decide where to hang-out. We both wanted to talk and spend quality time with each other. Since we were both tired since we both just got out from work. So we decided to go to a motel. You know how motel are here and for that reason, I am not very keen about the idea. But since I wanted to just be with him, I agreed with the idea. He knew that I am not the sexual type so he reassured me that we’re just going to talk and rest. And that’s exactly what we did… well, not exactly. We hugs and kissed to our heart’s delight. We met several times after that. He even introduced to some of his closest friends. We text, chat and call each other over the phone. Until I noticed that he became busier and busier and until the frequency of text, chat and phone calls becomes low. It went on like that. Finally, everything between us became so quiet. I tried keeping in touch to no avail. So I flagged the banner “the end.”

The list of the guys I met this year (2009) is growing longer.

Please don’t get me wrong, I like all of them. Each one has a personality I like that I wished I can find in just one person. Actually, I used to be with a guy name Bari who has the above characters, but I broke up with him (Don’t ask why, it’s a long story. Maybe I’ll write about it soon). I hope you won’t think I am a bad person for going out with several guy. Oh, and please take note that I did not mentioned “sex in any of the paragraph above. Meaning my interest is maintained more by something else than just sex.

I know the kind of guy I need. I need a guy who is… Well, he do not have to have the exact same interest I like or have the exact same personality. Just someone who is crazy enough to take in my ideas and my humour. Someone who will not put his best foot forward to impress me. Someone not too smart. Not too dumb, not too ugly, not to good looking. Someone down to earth. Someone who is generally, just like me. Someone I can build my world around him. Unfortunately, I have not found one person who can do that.

I am not sure if this experience is a test I need to pass or a curse I have to endure. Sometime I suppose that maybe this is how my life is always going to be… But I am still hopeful that things will not stay like this forever. I know everything will be alright eventually.

I am still hoping that there’s that one special person for me. If you’re out there… please come to me. I need you.

I keep saying I know my preferences because I honestly do, but sometime I get to thinking: “do I really know what I want, what I need?” I am not even sure if this entry made sense at all. Tell me what you think about all these.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


Acceptance is not submission; it is acknowledgment of the facts of a situation. Then deciding what you're going to do about it.” - Kathleen Casey Theisen

These are old entries I wrote during my trip late last year going to China… to get away from the reality that I might be HIV positive.

February 27, 2008

I got to NAIA all safe and excited. I loaded my luggage, paid the travel fee and did all the necessary things. I got to the immigration counter and that’s when things became more exciting. After queuing for a while and chatting to a lady on her way to business trip to Boston, I approached the counter and handed the guy my passport and ticket. For some strange reason immigration, I noticed that immigration officers try their best to look placid. They do not speak unless they need to ask a question. This guy did not ask me any question but flashes a piece of paper. I told him it’s not mine and he said I need to fill out one of it. So I left his window and went to fill out a form.

When I am done with the form, I queued for the second time and this instance; I was confronted by a female immigration officer. This one is very inquisitive. She asked me where I am going, I said China. She returned the question “why is your ticket booked to Hong Kong?” I responded saying it’s the quickest way; I will be taking a train to Beijing from Hong Kong. She asked how long I will be staying, I said about a month. Then she asked for my work, where it is and other more personal stuff. Then she inquired if I am staying for business or pleasure, I said pleasure. She asked where I am staying in Hong Kong. I said I will take a train directly to Beijing when I get to Hon Kong. She asked me the question again... I said I am not staying in Hong Kong. After that she said I need to present her a hotel reservation in Hong Kong. I told her I won’t need that since I am just passing through Hong Kong. She’s very stern and required me to present a reservation arrangement. I got frustrated but did my best not to show it. I told her that my plane is leaving in 30 minutes... She just stared at me. I left her counter.

I decided to line up again and this time I was directed to a newly opened window. The officer is also a female. She looked nicer, having that motherly appeal. I know that my impression didn’t really matter so I approached her window. I composed myself and smiled at here while I slip my passport and ticket. Unlike my last transaction, this one is faster. This third immigration officer asked the practically the same question the second officer asked me. She asked what does BPO means (I wrote that on the form) and I said it means Business Process outsourcing and that I am an Operation Supervisor in my company. She asked if I am having a business or a pleasure trip. I answered I am taking a vacation. She commented “employment opportunity?” I said just to visit a friend. Them I left here window and headed to the last security counter. While I was moving away from her counter, she said, well, you can work as a manager in Beijing. I smiled and went my way.

It’s amazing how subjective immigration officers are. I wish they’d have more love and logic in their hearts. I almost wasn’t able to leave because of that second officer. She must have been on the middle of her shift or even at the end of it. I can imagine how exhausted she must be processing passports and talking to keyed up passengers. I got lucky that the third officer I encountered was just starting her shift and was still energetic.

This was my first time to go out of the country and I did not realize that it would be this so much trouble. Oh, well... that’s life. The immigration officers in Hong Kong are much more pleasant than those I met in the Philippines.

February 27, 2008

We made a good take off. This is my first time on a plane going abroad. Two things I liked about plane rides, the G-force you fell when taking off and the casual conversation I get from other passengers. Talking about passengers, the girl beside me cried the moment the plane took off. It was an interesting demeanour as she was cookie and cheerful when she settled on her seat. I wanted to ask why she was crying but I thought that that needed thinking and the last thing, I suppose, this girl need is someone prying on her personal moment. So I decided to ask her if she already misses her family. She nodded in response. Through insinuations and smart inquiries, I eventually learned that she’ll be staying and working in Hong Kong for two years. I comforted her saying that two years isn’t that long. Next thing she knows, she’d be flying back home.

Although my attention was drawn by this girl, half of it is trying to focus on the view from the window. I asked to be seated on the middle of the plane, on the isle. I’ve always wanted to take the isle seat because it lessens the feeling of enclosure. I am not claustrophobic; I just don’t like restricted space. Moving on... I saw a really good view of Fort Bonifacio. It looked so different when viewed from the top. The main avenue from McKinley road going to Market seemed longer from above as compared when I am driving along it. A little more height and the metropolis revealed its entirety. It is indeed a wonderful sight to behold. Then I realized I was smiling. This is because I feel happy. I realized how beautiful the world is when viewed differently. I also felt a burst of joy knowing there’s a lot of opportunity to better my self and my life. I was so confined by the life I’ve gotten used to that I forgot there’s a big world out there waiting to be explored. One thing I am sure right now... This experience will make me a better person. Life, after this trip, will never be the same.

February 27, 208
Taking the train from Hong Kong to China.

I walked the plank and was amazed how long the train was. I was on the third coach, room #2. When I reached the coach entrance, I handed the lady, wearing a smart dark blue uniform of coat and skirt, my ticket and she gave me back a card the size and quality similar to an ATM. She must have sensed my uncertainty because her sweet smile turned into a concerned look. She asked me why and I said I am not sure how to get to my room because I don’t understand Chinese writing. She was very kind to lead me to where I will be staying during the trip.

I waited until everyone sharing the unit with me gets settled. But before everyone got comfortable, a guy approached me and was talking to me in Chinese. I apologized and told him I do not speak Chinese. When I told him to hold on a moment while I get someone to translate for me, I nice man approached me and said he can speak English and he can help me. The first man explained himself to the second guy. Then the second guy explained to me that the first guy was asking me if I can switch cabins with him since he is travelling with his daughter who was sharing the room with me. I smiled and said yes, that’s alright with me.

The entire cabin looked the same. It’s small, about 2x3 meters. It has three bunk beds arranged top, middle, bottom on both sides. Located at the end of the room is a small coffee table and a fairly big window. I transferred my luggage to the new room. It’s a cabin away from my original room. It was a good idea that I exchanged rooms because this new room only have 3 occupants including myself. I was supposed to stay on the top most bunk bed, which honestly seemed inconvenient because I would be facing the ceiling and it’s about three feet high from the bed. But since there were only three of us, I thought of taking the right, middle bunk bed since it will give me a good view from the window.

My roommates were a man in his 40s and a young man in his 20s. I spoke to the older guy asking him if he speaks English and to my luck, he does. His name is Kong Guangsheng (in China, family name comes first). He is an Engineer from Hong Kong. He is very kind. When I wanted to buy water and did not have Renminbi (Chinese money), he said he’ll take care of it. I exchanged my Hong Kong dollars for his Renminbi. We were talking about names and I showed him my Chinese name I downloaded from the internet. He explained to me what the character composing my name means. He even suggested a better character to use for my name.

The younger guys name is Zhu Kai. He does not speak English but did his best to communicate his ideas to me. He is a shy young lad. I noticed that when I first came to the room because he was staring at me and had that curious look on his face. He was surprised to learn that I am Filipino. He said I looked like Chinese; Guangsheng agreed but asked if I have Spanish decent. I said yes. I knew Zuh Kai was talking about me because he would point to me and glance at me once in a while and he used the word Filipino. I felt he was getting comfortable with me as he started opening conversations. Unfortunately, they did not last long as we bout could not understand each other’s English and I do not speak his language. I just give him smile whenever I see him giving me that curious look. I wanted to remember them so I made sure to take their pictures. I also asked for their email addresses and promised to send them their pictures. It’s amazing how much we’d learn from strangers if we give ourselves the chance to open up to them.

Being on the economy class, the train accommodation is comfortable. The communal toilet and lavatory is located on one end of the coach. They have a small restaurant on coach # 11 and they have an efficient, centralized sound system. They use it for announcement, play music and news. It is unfortunate thought because I can’t understand what they are playing but I would know if the person talking on the radio would say a joke or something funny as my roommates would laugh. I was a fantastic coincidence as they played Pachelbel’s “Cannon in D”. I think it’s really amazing because I am travelling by train in a foreign land and I hear my favourite composition... the only music that brings me overwhelming comfort.

I am on the train while I write this blog but I won’t be able to post this until I get home to my friend's house. The view outside the window is picturesque. The vista panorama of misty mountains standing behind a freshly dewed field is breath taking. The sunrise is a magnificent sight to behold. I don’t know where exactly I am but Guangsheng said we are already in China…

But my reality is still inside me. My name is JP. Welcome to my world.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

On Having HIV

I was diagnosed as HIV positive back in February 2008. I had a lucrative job offer abroad. I aced all aspect of the application except for one, the medical examination. Most of my batch mates are moving forward with the application except me. The doctor told me that my blood is reacting to the reagent they are using so I need to be tested one more time. I had to go back for a second testing. At that point, I am starting to get the feeling that I might be HIV positive. I was right.

I am very fortunate that I had a Doctor friend with me while I was going through the ordeal of discovering that I have HIV. He was the one who introduced me to an infectious disease specialist from PGH. That’s how I got started with getting support and medication. I was enrolled under the Global Fund Program and was provided free medications. The meds I am taking are called Anti-Retroviral Drugs. All of the help I am getting from PGH and Global Fund are free. The only payment they ask from me is my commitment to comply with the meditation and live a healthy lifestyle. I eventually transferred to Research Institute of Tropical Medicine. I am now receiving my free medication from RITM. I’ve also built strong friendship with other HIV positive and non-HIV positive people since I transferred to RITM. All these helped me cope up with the new world I am venturing. The specialists, councillors and people I met made it easy for me to accept my new situation. I did not feel scared because I know that there are people who love me despite my health condition.

I could not pin point exactly where I got it. I might have gotten it from one of my partners or maybe from one of my casual, unprotected sexual encounters. I am not sure really. When my doctor examined the result of my CD4 and Viral Load count, she told me that there’s a good chance that I have been HIV positive for a good two years prior to getting tested. So that trims down the chances of where I possible acquired it. The past two or three years prior to my test results, I was in a monogamous relationship.

Saying that I have always been in a monogamous relationship would be a lie. Like everyone else, I have a share of experiences experimenting on things like having sex. It’s unfortunate that the foundation of sexual education in our country is not as strong as it should be. It’s sad to realize that most teenagers discover things such as sex through personal experimentation. Anyway, like most normal human being, I also long for a long-term, if not permanent, relationship. I try my best to practice monogamy, but how sure I am that my partner shares the same ideals? This is another thing every person in relationship should talk about. In every relationship, it is important that both partners understand and respect each other’s principles and preferences. Granting that both partners agree to have an open relationship (or even agree to have an exclusive relationship), it is essential that both agree to practice safe, protected sex at all times, with their partners or with another person outside the relationship. Doing this makes both of them protected from any infectious diseases such as HIV. This is, I think, is what I overlooked from my past relationships. Now I am HIV positive and all I got to deal with it in the most positive way I can.

Contrary to popular belief, when you’re diagnosed with HIV life drastically changes and becomes harder to live… I have to disagree with this notion. I am actually living a happy, healthy life. As a matter of fact, I see having HIV as a blessing in disguise. It gave me a concrete reason to live healthy, get eight hours of sleep, it made me slowly stop drinking and smoking. It also gave me the opportunity to build a stronger bond with my family and friends. I have HIV and I’m still happy.

I noticed that a lot of HIV positive people have positive dispositions in life and, ironically, an overwhelming population of HIV negative people have negative outlook in the same aspect. I did not have trouble accepting the fact that I have HIV, so why should you? I’ve always lived by the concept that things happen for a reason and we should not resist it, instead we should learn and grow from what we discover from the experience. I am coping very well with my current health condition. I still earn a living as an employee, I am still able to help my family in every small way I can, I still have the same social activities (with a little healthy alterations, of course). I am fortunate that I have a strong support group (composed of my family and close friends). My entire family knows about my health condition and I have disclosed myself to my close friends as well. Nothing's changes as they loved me the same way they’ve always loved me.

Disclosing is one issue a lot of HIV positive people deal with. This takes time, readiness and a lot of trust building actions. No one is forced to disclose themselves against their will. Each person should do it in their own time, in their own term and everyone (both negative and positive community) should accept this fact. I have told my family about my health situation. I’ve told close friends and several guys I’ve dated that I am HIV positive. The response is over whelming. 10 out of 10 people I told about my being HIV accepted me without prejudice. Yes, all of them felt sad, some even felt sorry for me. Most of them have a lot of questions about my history, how I got it and about HIV in general. But at the end of the day, they still accepted me as me and loved me nonetheless. There is no reason for you to be afraid disclosing your self. Just know when to come out, who to come out to and how to come out. It’s all about timing. I have plans of coming out soon, I am just waiting for that special time when people around me are ready when I totally come out.

HIV is present everywhere, at home, in school, in the office. I have been working for the Call Center industry for, collectively, around six years. I am still overwhelmed how people associate call centers with HIV. In my entire existence in this industry, I’ve only known three guys who are HIV positive including me. It would be that it's because they are the only one brave enough to tell me about thier health status. It could also be just a coincidence that Call Center is one of the biggest industries in the country right now that a number of newly diagnosed HIV positive patients came from this business. It could be any other industry. I should know because I have several HIV positive friends from all walks of life, from all sorts of industries. Please take note that I did not get HIV from working in the call centers. People get infected with HIV from unprotected sex with an HIV positive person, not from working as a call center employee. It would be unfair to just point a finger to the call center industry. I don’t work there anymore… I have a better job now that gives me the luxury to work during the day and sleep at night.

HIV do not discriminate, people does. From experience, most of the people who discriminate are those who lack the knowledge about the “topic” they discriminate people for. I feel sad when I see people discriminate others for reasons such as social status, gender, economic status, education, health status etc. People fear what they do not know and this is mainly caused by ignorance. The only way to eliminate that fear is through awareness. There are lots of ways to learn about HIV, read books, talk to HIV patients, talk to your doctor, and check the internet. There are many websites that provide facts about HIV, one of which is Trust me when I say, “Knowledge is power.” This is self-explanatory. Imagine how good it would be to live in a world filled with love and equality. The first step to achieving this is awareness.

I mentioned earlier that I want to eventually come out as having HIV. Do you want to know the reason what’s keeping me from doing it? It’s my concern for the people I love. I can deal with all the prejudice and all the bias from being HIV positive, but what I am not ready for is to see my family and friends become a victim of discrimination. I do not hold fear for my self but for the people I love. Anyway, this is a personal issue that I have to deal with. I know that they are as strong as I am and I know they can look after themselves.

So, if someone opens up to you and tell you they have HIV. Just listen. You don’t have to say anything. If you need to ask, then ask. Make sure that you do not discriminate. Do not judge them. If you don’t understand it, ask them to help you understand.

My name is JP. Welcome to my world.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

My name is JP

I used to live as a different person. I was a person who do not care so much about others but himself. I literally ate, got drunk and got merry… slept and took showers in between. Then there was a major turn of events in my life that made me thinking… “Is this really the way I want to live my life?” My adventure did not stop when I became HIV positive. Neither did it start there. Being HIV positive is just one part of my life… there are more to me than meets the eye.

I love the arts, I like sport (at least those that I know how to play). Ironically, I hate television and I do not enjoy reading fashion magazine but I like dressing up and I am a social flirt. I enjoy dinning out and experiencing different food. I am not rich but I try not too look underprivileged… Please don’t get me wrong, I am no social climber. As a matter of fact I try to understand why people the way they are, I don’t try to be like them, I just adapt to their personality so I’d be able to understand them and they’d be able to understand and trust me in return.

I try to live a good life. I am no saint. I’ve had my fair share and made a lot of mistakes in my life. I still commit most of them. I’m a fast learner but I am hard headed. I think this is the reason why keep repeating my blunders. I definitely learn from them and still commit them since I know I’d be able to easily handle them the next time around.

I made this blog so I can talk about my insights, talk about different situations in my life and other people's lives. Discuss my emotions and how I perceive the people, places and events around me. This so-called "life" of mine will end eventually and I want to be able to document the interesting events within it. But basically I want to share how it is being HIV positive and living a normal life. I hope that through my writing, other people (straight, gay, negative or positive) will learn, discover and enjoy life without necessarily going through the same experiences I went through.

My name is JP. Welcome to my world.

Name: Jose Paolo Gonzales
Nickname: JP
Birth year: 1975
Status: Single

I am a Spontaneous Idealist. Spontaneous Idealists are creative, lively and open-minded persons. We are humorous and dispose of a contagious zest for life. Our enthusiasm and sparkling energy inspires others and sweeps them along. We enjoy being together with other people and often have an uncanny intuition for their motivations and potential. Spontaneous Idealists are masters of communication and very amusing and gifted entertainers. Fun and variety are guaranteed when we are around. However, we are sometimes somewhat too impulsive in dealing with others and can hurt people without really meaning to do so, due to our direct and sometimes critical nature.

My personality type is a keen and alert observer; I miss nothing which is going on around me. In extreme cases, I tend to be oversensitive and exaggeratedly alert and are inwardly always ready to jump. Life for me is an exciting drama full of emotionality. However, I quickly become bored when things repeat themselves and too much detailed work and care is required. My creativity, imaginativeness and originality become most noticeable when developing new projects and ideas - I, most of the time, leave the meticulous implementation of the whole to others. On the whole, people with my personality type attach great value to our inner and outward independence and do not like accepting a subordinate role. I,therefore, tend to have problems with hierarchies and authorities. (Source:


1. Trustworthy and loyal.
2. Very passionate and dangerous.
3. Wild at times.
4. Knows how to have fun.
5. Sexy and mysterious.
6. Playful but secretive.
7. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes.
8. Meets new people easily and very social in a group.
9. Fearless and independent.
10.Can hold their own.
11.Stands out in a crowd.
12.Essentially very smart.
13.One of a kind.
14.Everyone is drawn towards my inner & outer beauty and independent personality.

My First Entry

If you’ve visited Britain’s country side you might be familiar with the Green Man. He is generally portrayed in carvings with leafy vines growing around his body, from his face, mouth, eyes, nose and ears. He is believed to represent life, death, fertility and rebirth. He is a combination of nature and mankind, representing the wildness, power and unity of both. But the story of the Green Man I like most is his being associated with Robin Hood. Everyone knows the story of this Jack-in-the-tree guy who steals from the rich to help the poor.

I have been through a lot and I am no special case. You may have similar stories such as mine but it’s not enough to claim we have the same saga. I have not been to the moon and back but I have enough stories in my sack to share and inspire those who needs it. I want to believe that I am a version of the Green Man. I have him tattooed on my back and thinking I am the Green Man is one of the reasons why I made this blog and used the title you see above. I don’t steal from the rich to feed the poor but I take my experiences to help fill in the bowl of realization other people set centuries back. I am no writer nor is writing my passion. It’s just that I have a lot of ideas in my head and plenty of emotions in my heart that I want to save them somewhere, somehow. I want people to learn from my stories.

This is a short entry since this is just the start of my tale.